Loneliness is a bitch.
There, I said it.
I doubt that many people would disagree with me. I'm not talking about solitude and spending time alone, which is a must need for anyone, especially for an introvert such as myself. I'm talking about the nobody-wants-you-around-and-you-want-a-friend-to-spend-time-with type of loneliness.
I don't know if anyone is interested in the ramblings of a nineteen-year-old aspiring author who doesn't know what she wants from life. Ideally, I would make a living from writing, but in reality, I need a career or a practical job that will pay the bills until I make my big break. That's what I'm going to college for, right? I write almost every day, trying to learn a craft that has been practiced for centuries.
Other people have complimented my writing and my plot. A fellow writer on the site I post on says I have great potential and that I'm just a very young writer with a lot to learn. I admit that I still have a lot of learn and need a lot of practice before I'm publishable. Now why did I go from writing about loneliness and to writing about writing?
Because for me, I believe that writing is a way for me to cope with my loneliness. Now I am not putting all writers into a stereotypical role in which they are depressed and never see people or the day of light. I am talking about me personally.
Now don't get me wrong. I love writing. I have always loved to read. I believe my new love of writing stems from my love of reading. I enjoy making up stories. I have always imagined what might have been in books I have read. I love writing. I know I am good at it and will improve the more I use and practice my ability.
I enjoy all of my time I spend reading and writing and imagining. I like spending time on the Internet and I have made friends on the sites I belong to, but I miss human contact.
I don't live alone. I live with my grandmother, but she is sixty years older than me and we don't have much in common. Yes, I have a driver's license and I do go to college, but I don't have a lot of close friends.
I don't mind talking to people, but I don't like to spend all of my time with people. I prefer to entertain myself.
I think all of my loneliness stem from grade school where I was ostracized for whatever reasons my classmates chose. I don't think I helped myself by overreacting sometimes, but I've haven't been comfortable in social situations, outside of school, with those my age in years. Now I have the attitude that I shouldn't bother anybody outside of school, I shouldn't waste anybody's time when they could be spending it with someone they like more, and that nobody wants to be my friend.
I know that I'm overreacting and possibly paranoid. I worry over whether I say the right thing. I don't want to seem annoying or overbearing. I like to think I'm a likeable person, even if I'm somewhat socially awkward.
Maybe that's why I write characters who are dealing with tough situations, where they feel lonely and like no one knows what they are going through. My writing does tend to be overtly dramatic. I think it's because of my lonely life and of the pent up feelings that I only feel comfortable releasing on the Internet in my writing.
I don't know if anyone will read this, but if there are any other lonely people out there, go ahead and reply.
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Well, first of all, it's important to realize that you do have friends, and there are people like you; in that respect, you're not alone. Also, there are plenty of people who also enjoy writing and making up stories. Find a writer's club either online or at your college, and you will find plenty of people like yourself with whom you can build enduring friendships. If your school doesn't have a writer's club, start one! Finding people with common interests is th first step toward making friends.
ReplyDeleteAlso, people who like to read often develop maturity at a faster rate than non-readers, which can lead to social problems. It was for this reason that I too was ostracized by my schoolmates. Later, in random conversations, I discovered that they were occupied with issues which I thought were trivial, at best. Later on, I practiced a form of intellectual disparity: I saved my Deep Thoughts for very close friends, and became a social butterfly with schoolmates and friends at work.
As far as writing goes, continue it! Writing a little bit everyday will allow you to practice your art, and refine it. Don't allow it to rule your life, because every writer needs to get out and see different things. Living or working in a rut can cause Writer's Block, and that's no fun at all.
Also, when you're really feeling lonely, reach out. All friends--even internet friends--will respond. That's what we're here for.
I don't let writing rule my life. I have other things to do. :)
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